Journals from the Jungle II: That is real life, right there in front of you.

On exiting the matrix

Welcome to Journals from the Jungle—a series of stories from my recent travels, drawn straight from the pages of my journals. These are reflections on breaking free from a life of structure, convention, and societal expectations, and finding my way back to an embodied, authentic self. Through journeys in nature—and into the nature of self—through adventure, challenge, rest, and the dramatic dismantling of old beliefs, I explore themes of freedom, pleasure, love, and the strength that comes from shedding what no longer serves us. I hope these stories inspire you to embrace change, reclaim your vitality, and live more freely.

DAY SIX CONTINUED

There is literally nothing left to say, but here I am nevertheless, to write, to remember.

Gliding through the sea. Sitting on the board, bobbing in the sunset. The force and power, and softness too. The calm and fury. The way it all looks, and how that makes me feel.

It’s just all of it. It’s all of it. All of this.

I’m also surprised by and proud of my strength out there. It is certainly scary at times, but all of this is progress, and the positive experiences in those waves, they’re showing me a new (or expanded) side of myself. They’re showing me how well I can go into hard things. How I can be brave. How I can be afraid and do it anyway. How I can fall, and go back out, again and again.

I love it.

I will stay.

Mañana.

DAY SEVEN

Walking around with a grin on my face and in my chest. Didn’t really sleep last night—too worked up, excitement in my veins from surfing. Feeling giddy and fluttery.

It feels important to feel this, and that it’s positive, and to compare it to the other “anxiety.” Is it just the same sensation perceived differently? That’s what they say …

Lovely morning. Beach, walk, pelican swim in an attempt to expend some of this energy. I don’t think it worked, but it was enjoyable.

Surfing again at sunset tonight.

~

Went as long as my body would. Lots of water in my head, a great ride, and then sat on a log and watched the sunset … and then the stars.

The fading everything was just so relaxing. I felt like I would sleep well—like I could fall asleep right there, in that watercolor sedation. As is the theme, I didn’t want to leave the scene.

Traveling back in the hot jungle night all I can do is smile—a big, wide grin.

I am dead with pleasure. Just laughing out loud as I walk up these jungle paths back to my room. Not hungry for dinner, fed by those sweet, sweet endorphins.

Maybe this place is here to heal me.

What candy.

This is so damn fun. This is why I go. These moments, these experiences, these sensations.

I do rub my eyes and ask, Where am I? It feels like a dream.

I could go on. I’m sure I will. Am I going to be miserable when I get home? Or … like this? I can’t know, of course.

Aye aye, I am melted. What paradise. For now, I can only let it all in. Take it in, let it in. My heart … is so happy.

~

And then suddenly everything goes quiet. My mind (!!!), my body, it all. A hush. Inside.

DAY EIGHT

I’m emotional. Woke up to a note from Jamie. I had said, “I’ve fully exited real life.” She said, “That is real life. Right there in front of you.”

I burst into tears and I’m crying again now. It is. This is. It is why on the beach as it felt like my heart was being drawn out of my chest and my mind baptized by the setting sun sea I said, more than once, “What matters more than this?”

Tears on my walk to the beach, and when the warm sea hit my shins, and it keeps coming. It’s like in Peru. There, the midway point between all of the plant medicine ceremonies, where something did—and something has here too—broken.

I can’t tell exactly what it is yet. Joy? Relief? Some great release in being able to be rather than do? To be a creature.

The break feels like some kind of grief … as I separate from “my life” only to realize, or by realizing that this is that life. Both are, and that means that what I’ve left isn’t all there is.

And the possession by this place is so thorough that it simple overpowers the rest. “What matters more?” Indeed.

It feels easy to stay. To fall into this. To let it happen. To let go.

I have wondered what happens to me when I stay longer and longer in these places and while I haven’t been here that long, it feels cumulative, and I am getting a taste now of what does occur.

I shed and unravel. I become elemental. I care less and less about all of the other things.

It feels like exiting a matrix.

I mean, it feels like enlightenment.