Journals from the Jungle IV: This is Knowing

Remember it all. This is real and this is certain.

The following are unedited journal excerpts—a series of stories from my recent travels.

FEBRUARY, 2024. DAY NINE CONTINUED

After surfing, I walk home in a daze. Not devastated but definitely sad, mixed with the electricity of having surfed. It was very hard. I wish I could have made it out for one more wave—tú puedes, tú puedes!—but my strength gave out. What I’ve realized though, is that when I’m stuck in the impact zone, I’m not afraid anymore. Struggling to get out, getting tired and smashed yes, but not fearful. It’s dramatic and probably a bit traumatic, but I am not scared and that is something.

I am tunnel visioned. I am in the waves. I am the froth. So much feeling. The sea is in my brain.

I also realize that I am covered in bruises. Both elbows, knees, thighs. Four more days … if I can manage the strength I’ll surf all four.

What am I going to do when I have to leave? My heart is going to break. I fear it already—and yet, my motto: I fear regret more than I fear a broken heart. It hurts, but … it’s fun.